One, Two, Free! The Fourth of July weekend was approaching, and Miss Pelham, the nursery school teacher, took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. We live in a great country,’ she announced. “One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free.” Trevor, who was a little boy in her class, came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said loudly, “I’m not free. I’m four.” Those Days. Father William, the old priest, made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name.

I do not propose to be an expert on very many things but finding jobs after retirement would probably be an area in which I have some experience, but not necessarily a great deal of knowledge. In other words, if I had any sense, I would take these jobs and shove them and become a couch potato.

“STUPID EXPECTS CHANGE – WITH NO CHANGES” It is not an intelligent idea to ignore pain. If you have pain, or had pain in the past – physically, mentally, emotionally, maritally, financially, or any other ‘-ally,’ - there is a reason. Be smart and deal with it. Readers, ARE YOU LISTENING TO WHAT YOU ARE READING? Please take all this to heart.

Credit for these little goodies goes to my No. 1 correspondent, Al Wilburn.

Podcasts available at Coffeetimecolumn.com Send any responses to: andybowman839@gmail.com You actually did it. You won the election.

Mothers’ Day slipped by but here’s a little ditty that’s too good to save until next year: If the shoe fits, wear it!!! 1. You made her cry…. a lot. 2. She really DID want that last piece of cake…but guess who got it instead? 3. It hurt her when you behaved badly. 4. She was always afraid, not for herself, but for YOU! 5. She knew she wasn’t perfect. 6. She watched you while you slept. 7. She carried you a lot longer than 9 months. 8. It broke her heart every time you cried. 9. She put YOU first every time over herself. 10. She would do it all again. ADVICE FOR ANYONE MOVING TO OKLAHOMA: 1. Save all bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it. 2. If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel drive pickup with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them or pay them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. 3. Remember: “Y’all” is singular. “All y’all” is plural. “All y’all’s” is plural possessive. 4. Get used to the phrase “It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity”. And the collateral phrase “You call this hot? Wait’ll August.” 5. Don’t tell us how you did it up there. Nobody cares. 6. If you think it’s too hot, don’t worry. It’ll cool down-in December. 7. A Mercedes-Benz is not a status symbol, a Chevy, Dodge, or Ford is. 8. If someone says they’re “fixin” to do something, that doesn’t mean anything’s broken. 9 . The value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but the availability of shade. 10. If you are driving a slower moving vehicle, on a two-lane road pull onto the shoulder that is called “courtesy”. 11. BBQ is a food group. It does NOT mean grilling burgers and hot dogs outdoors.

A first grade school teacher had 25 students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the first half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders.

As a lifelong English teacher and coach of numerous academic bowl teams, I’m always on the lookout for proper English usage. We ran across this once while studying for an academic bowl and I have used it ever since. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.

One of the things I miss most about being retired from the classroom is that it has been 5 years since I have had a “Kick Me” sign mysteriously taped onto my back. 1. Believe nothing, and trust no one this April Fools’ Day: So it’s just like any other day. 2. April Fools’ Day is like a huge open mic night: Millions of people go out of their way to demonstrate how unfunny they are. 3. What monster plays the most April Fools’ jokes? Prankenstein! 4. Did you hear about the guy who swapped the labels on the pumps at the gas station? It was an April Fuels’ joke.. 5. Why was the donkey annoying his friend? It was April Mules’ Day! 6. You should know that no one understood it was an April Fools’ Day. Because no one expected you have a sense of humor. 7. A and C were going to prank their friend. But they just letter B. 8. Which day of the year do monkeys like best? The first of Ape-ril! 9. Which day is the worst to propose on? April Fools’ Day! 10. A couple of pranksters broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, “We have absolutely nothing to go on.” 11. What’s a stepladder’s favorite holiday? April Stool’s Day! 12. What did April Fools’ Day say after it won an award? Prank you! 13. Who needs April Fools’ when your whole life is a joke? April Fools.’ 14. Who needs a day for the fools I’m surrounded by them all year. 15. I don’t always joke on April Fools’ Day. Just kidding, I do. 16. My favorite April Fools’ Day prank is pretending I’m going to leave my couch. On my way out! 17. There are some friends you know will never pull an April Fools’ Day prank. Because they think it’s still March. 18. I’m going to pull an April Fools’ Day prank on my landlord by not paying rent. Rent isn’t due today; you’re just kidding! 19. What do you call a hammer bought on April 1st? April tool. 20. Why was everyone so tired on April 1st? Because they just finished a long 31-day March. 21. Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fools’ They were literally born yesterday! 22. Joke’s on you, April Fools’ Day…23. April Fools’ Day is a great day to pull pranks. Except on me, if you’re smart. 24. What’s the biggest difference between Thanksgiving and April Fool’s Day? On one hand, you’re thankful but on the other, you’re prankful.

Need a quick blessing or some inspiration during these troubled times? Read on. I’ve used this before but I think appropriate again considering the state of affairs.